A valid reason for a woman to leave her child?

[jaaaarne]

Guys, I really need your help. This is a pretty much relationship advice for a romance novel, though, so I'm sorry if the question seems stupid or inappropriate.

Now. The story is set in the modern era Western-type society, about 7-10 years in the future. There is a couple that once had a sudden, bright and passionate romance, that, sadly, turned out to be pretty short-lived. Therefore, they divorce, having gone from being madly in love to hostility. The question is, they have a 2 y.o. baby which I need to stay with its father after the divorce.

I don't want to demonize the mother and I really don't want to kill her off (she's not a bad person, besides, it would be awesome if I could still have this character later in the story), but I need to somehow make it work. Being a woman myself I honestly cannot come up with any explanations. This has to be a non-scandalous arrangement, no forcing the kid away from her mother or something. They have to agree on the terms. I need some valid reason for the mother to agree that the baby will be better off with the father, although she and her ex-husband are now pretty hostile to each other. The mother is about 27-29 when she divorces her husband. Also, she's a kind of a performer (not a celebrity!) traveling a lot, so maybe the arrangement can somehow be tied to that?

All and any input on this will be appreciated. :)

Comments

[bindingthreads]

I would guess that money, frequent travel and/or childcare difficulties would all be plausible reasons why a parent might feel that their child is better off with the other parent. Of course, these are all very circumstantial reasons that will vary from parent to parent.

One parent having custody also doesn't mean that the other parent will never see their child. There are different types of custody. I know parents who have primary custody, and the other parent has the child for summers/holidays.

[bindingthreads]

This probably doesn't apply to your scenario, but there's many historical examples of parents sending their children away, sometimes to another continent, so that the children might be able to leave war zones. I'm thinking in particular of WWII and the British evacuation of civilians (especially children).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evacuations_of_civilians_in_Britain_during_World_War_II

[jaaaarne]

I don't need to cut the mother from seeing the child entirely, although she is not going to see her girl often due to the line of work. What I aim for is a civilized divorce with the baby staying with the father. :) It's not the main storyline, but I want everything to be as plausible as possible.

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm now really inclining towards the "too much traveling" scenario.

[dragonjournal]

If she's travelling a lot, stability for the child could be her biggest reason. Also, if she doesn't have a steady income, while he does, that could be another reason. You don't have to demonise her.

Personal story time:

I went through a really rough patch, mentally, and had two young children. Because I felt I could not care for them - one has disabilities - I turned over custody to their paternal grandmother (even though I was divorced and HATE her son, my former hubby, and their father) so that they could have stability, and my disabled child could get the help she needed, while I got myself together. It eventually turned into a permanent arrangement, because I took a LONG time to get myself together, and by then, them staying and not being uprooted was in their best interest. I have a beautiful, open relationship with them. If I hadn't done what I did, though, I doubt they'd be as well adjusted and terrific as they are now.

[jaaaarne]

Oh, thank you for your valuable input. Guess, I'll use the child's stability reason, after all. I really want both parents to be generally good people with some issues. That's a weakness I have to admit to having: I generally don't do evil characters. :)

[dragonjournal]

I'm just glad that you asked. Too often, people say "A mom wouldn't do that!" However, if it is in the best interest of the child, a mom will. Or at least should.

[lea_hazel]

If the divorce is amicable, there's no reason why the kid couldn't stay with the father for whatever reason. Living in a better school district, or having more free time. If the mother has a job that makes her travel a lot, or has inconvenient hours, and the dad has a steady nine-to-five, for example. She could be a flight attendant or a chef, even a software designer. I know people in software who don't get home before ten PM on a regular basis. She could also be sick, but that comes with its own bucket of angst, and you might want something more mundane.

[jaaaarne]

Thanks for taking interest. :) And since everybody say that the stability for the child will be good enough reason, I guess I'll stick with that. The character travels a lot, so I guess her reason can be that she doesn't want the kid to live on the airplanes/trains/buses, but have a quiet life and get a normal education. That won't make her a bad mother in the eyes of other people, will it?

[lea_hazel]

Well, you can't please everyone, and people tend to have strong opinions about motherhood. I couldn't say what proportion of potential readers this might be, but I'd like to hope most people would just think she was being a responsible adult. I also know quite a few people who would be relieved that you didn't just kill her off or make her a bad mommy for angst value.

[margaretdriscoll]

I have two friends, both good people, who amicably agreed to their ex-husbands having custody after the divorce. In one case it was because the mother was relocating and wanted the child to stay in the better school district and in familiar surroundings. In the other case it was because the mother honestly admitted that although she loved her children her husband was just more suited to be the primary parent (which wasn't a surprise to anyone...he'd always been the one to do late night feedings, call in to work when one of them was sick, do "kid duty" at get-togethers, show off the latest pictures, etc.)

Good luck working it out!

[jaaaarne]

Thank you for replying. :)

I gather now that the situation is not actually all that rare? So, if I'm writing my woman leaving her baby with the father because she wanted stability for the child, nobody will actually expect the neighbours and random passers-by to point fingers at her and say that she's a bad mom?

It's just that I know only one single father in RL, and the situation there was not pretty at all.

[margaretdriscoll]

In my part of the world it's still relatively rare for the mother to voluntarily give up custody, and I do think many people (unfairly) judge women for making that choice. I can understand your concern and some readers may demonize your mother character no matter what, but writing against that outdated stereotype has got to be a good thing...right? I'm sure you'll feel your way towards the best way to handle writing those parts of your book. Good luck =D

[jaaaarne]

Thank you! :)

[ex_pippin880]

You could also have an element of post-natal depression, or the mother could just have failed to bond with the baby. Or just plain doesn't like kids.

Of course, hopefully in a decade, there'd be a much more gender-equal society and thus no reason necessary. Yeah, right. :(

[ex_pippin880]

Also

Being a woman myself I honestly cannot come up with any explanations.

...What?

[feuervogel]

IAWTC.

[jaaaarne]

Probably was not clear enough, my fault. I meant that usually I try to put myself in the character's place and ask myself: "How would I react, what would I do, if I were this character? What could be my reasons?" And you'd think that in such situation this kind of thing could've been easier to straighten out by myself because I'm a woman, too. But since I do not have children myself, it's really hard to get the right answer while asking myself: "What would I do if I were that character?"

That's why I asked for help. I believe there are people who are more familiar with such situations and can give me a couple of ideas to work with. :)

[ex_pippin880]

Ah. It seemed like you were implying something like "as a woman I believe that all women automatically love children and live for children and any women who doesn't like or care for children must be demonised" which uh yeah.

[jaaaarne]

From what I've seen so far, such situations in fan fiction (and sometimes in pro fiction as well) are often handled in two ways: a woman either dies a horrible death or is written as an evil harpy from which the child must be taken at any cost. I don't want either scenario since they're unbelievable and very cliche. So, I'm asking exactly because I don't want to demonise a woman. :)

Sorry if I were a bit clumsy with words in my post. It's not a native language for me, so the mistakes and awkward sentences are inevitable. :)

[magycmyste]

I'm a little late, and it sounds like you've got some pretty good input here, but I wanted to throw in my two cents.

1) Stability sounds like the best reason to me for the mother to give up her child - it's a good reason and still plays on her maternal instincts for wanting what's best for the kid.

2) As people have already menioned, there will be people who will demonize the mother for wanting to give up the child no matter what her reasoning is (although there might be an exception to something like.... Solomon's dilemma, was it? I know the story. but I learned it in a different context, so I'm not sure).

But, my point in that would be to bring up that in US divorce courts, at least (you said western, but I don't know if you meant the US or Europe), there is a presumption that the mother will get custody of the child. And there are many judges who still believe thatstaying with the mother is always in the best interests of the child, barring exceptional circumstances. I also think, though, that the other's job involving traveling is an excellent argument for exceptional circumstances, and no one is going to argue with them if both of them agree, anyway (again, barring exceptional circumstances - Even if both parents agree, if the father turned out to be abusive, for instance.... well, they probably would try to find the next nearest kin if the mother couldn't take care of them.)

I'm speaking more from a legal perspective here (I've got a little experience with domestic violence and family law, though its not what I'm practicing now)- none of this should pose a problem for your story, but it might resent something you characters have to deal with.